When You Pray For Patience And God Gives You Someone Difficult To Love

I've prayed for patience more times than I can count, usually after I've already lost some of it.

That's probably not the ideal order.

A while ago, I was dealing with someone who had a habit of making simple things unnecessarily complicated. We'd discuss what needed to happen, agree on a plan, and then somehow end up having the same conversation again. I tried explaining things differently. I wrote down the details. I made sure we were both clear about what had been decided.

A few days later, we were back where we'd started.

I remember feeling my patience disappear halfway through another conversation. I wasn't shouting or behaving outrageously, but I could hear the irritation in my own voice. I was answering questions a little too sharply and becoming increasingly interested in ending the discussion.

Afterward, I prayed about it.

"Father, please give me more patience with this person."

I meant it.

What I didn't particularly want was another opportunity to practice.

Unfortunately, the person and I still had work to finish together, so avoiding them wasn't an option.

I Thought Patience Meant Not Getting Angry

For years, I had a fairly simple understanding of patience.

Don't lose your temper.

Don't say something cruel.

Try not to look visibly irritated when somebody asks a question you've already answered three times.

Those are worthwhile goals, but I've noticed that a person can remain outwardly polite while becoming thoroughly unpleasant inside.

I've done it.

I'll answer calmly, smile when appropriate, and then spend the next twenty minutes mentally criticizing the person.

Technically, I behaved.

I didn't say anything offensive. I didn't create an argument. Nobody left the conversation upset.

But I wasn't exactly demonstrating the kind of love Paul describes in 1 Corinthians 13.

Verse 4 begins, "Charity suffereth long, and is kind."

I've always found those two ideas interesting together.

It's possible to endure somebody without being particularly kind to them.

You can tolerate a person's presence while making it obvious you'd rather be somewhere else. You can give the correct answer in a tone that makes the other person regret asking.

I know because I've caught myself doing both.

The Trouble With Being In A Hurry

Some of my impatience has very little to do with the person in front of me.

It has more to do with what I think I should be doing instead.

If I'm already behind schedule, almost any interruption feels unreasonable. A simple question becomes another delay. Somebody needing assistance feels like a problem because I've mentally assigned every remaining minute of the afternoon to something else.

There was a Saturday when I'd planned to finish several jobs around the house. Nothing especially exciting, just things that needed attention. One task took longer than expected, another required a part I didn't have, and by early afternoon I was already irritated with how little I'd accomplished.

Then someone needed my help.

It wasn't a major request.

Under ordinary circumstances, I probably wouldn't have thought twice about it. But that afternoon, I was so focused on everything I hadn't finished that I treated the interruption as though somebody had deliberately ruined my plans.

I helped.

Not very graciously.

Later I realized the person hadn't done anything wrong. They'd simply needed something at an inconvenient time.

Apparently, my patience had become dependent on everybody respecting a schedule they didn't know existed.

I still struggle with that.

Sometimes People Really Are Difficult

I don't want to pretend every frustrating situation is a misunderstanding.

Some people are genuinely difficult to deal with.

They make commitments and don't follow through. They interrupt constantly. They refuse to listen, criticize unnecessarily, or expect others to accommodate behavior they wouldn't tolerate themselves.

I've dealt with people like that.

You probably have too.

And I don't think Christian patience requires us to pretend those behaviors are acceptable.

There are situations where we need to address a problem directly. Sometimes we need boundaries, clearer expectations, or a decision about whether a particular relationship or arrangement should continue.

Being patient doesn't mean allowing somebody to repeatedly take advantage of you.

But I've noticed something about myself when dealing with difficult people.

Once I decide someone is difficult, I begin expecting difficulty from them.

That expectation can affect the way I listen.

A perfectly ordinary question suddenly sounds irritating because of who asked it. A small mistake becomes evidence of a larger character problem. I start interpreting everything through the history of previous frustrations.

Sometimes I'm right about the pattern.

Other times I'm not giving the person much room to do anything differently.

That's worth examining.

I Remember A Man Who Rarely Seemed Rushed

Years ago, I knew an older Christian gentleman who had a way of making people feel that he wasn't in a hurry to finish talking with them.

He wasn't especially talkative himself.

In fact, he could be rather quiet.

But when someone spoke, he listened. If they struggled to explain something, he waited. If they repeated themselves, he didn't immediately jump in to finish their sentence.

I remember watching him talk with a younger man who was trying to explain a personal problem.

The younger man kept going back over details he'd already mentioned. He was nervous, and his explanation wasn't particularly organized.

I could feel myself becoming impatient just listening.

The older man didn't appear bothered.

Eventually, he asked a question that showed he'd understood what the younger man was trying to say.

I remember thinking I would've interrupted about five minutes earlier.

I probably would've offered advice too soon.

That man wasn't doing anything extraordinary. He was simply giving another person enough time to explain himself.

I've remembered that conversation more often than I expected.

Especially when I'm tempted to finish somebody else's sentence.

James Has Something To Say About My Reactions

James 1:19 says, "Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath."

I appreciate how little room that verse leaves for clever interpretation.

Be quick to listen.

Slow down before speaking.

Don't rush toward anger.

I understand the instructions perfectly well.

Following them is another matter.

I've had conversations where I was already preparing my response before the other person finished talking. Sometimes I wasn't even preparing an answer to what they were saying. I was preparing an answer to what I assumed they were going to say.

Then they'd finish their thought, and I'd discover that I'd misunderstood the point entirely.

That's embarrassing.

Especially when you've already started responding.

I've learned to ask a few more questions before deciding I understand someone's motives. Not because every situation requires a lengthy investigation, but because I've been wrong often enough to know that my first impression isn't always reliable.

There are still times when I react too quickly.

Usually, I recognize it afterward.

Occasionally, while I'm doing it.

I'm working on that second part.

Praying For Patience Has Made Me Notice My Excuses

I've discovered that I can justify impatience with remarkable creativity.

I'm tired.

I'm busy.

I've explained this already.

They should know better.

I have other responsibilities.

Sometimes those explanations are legitimate. Being exhausted can make ordinary frustrations harder to handle, and there are circumstances where another person's behavior creates unnecessary work.

But I've also used those explanations to excuse responses I wouldn't appreciate receiving myself.

One evening I was thinking about how sharply I'd answered someone earlier in the day. I knew I'd been under pressure, and I kept reminding myself of everything I was trying to accomplish.

Eventually, I had to admit that the person hadn't caused most of that pressure.

I'd brought it into the conversation.

They simply happened to be there when I ran out of patience.

I didn't enjoy that realization.

I also couldn't argue with it.

I prayed about it and later apologized for my tone.

The person didn't seem particularly concerned. They accepted the apology, and we moved on.

I was glad.

I still wished I'd handled it properly the first time.

Patience At Home Can Be Harder Than Patience In Public

I've noticed that I sometimes give strangers more courtesy than I give people who know me well.

That's uncomfortable to admit.

If somebody in a store asks me a question, I can usually answer pleasantly. If a customer needs clarification, I make an effort to explain things properly. If I'm speaking with someone from church, I'm generally willing to listen.

Then I get home.

Somebody asks me something while I'm concentrating, and suddenly I behave as though the interruption is a major inconvenience.

Why?

The people closest to me should probably receive the best of my patience, not whatever remains after everybody else has had theirs.

I don't think family members need us to be endlessly cheerful. We all get tired, frustrated, and occasionally disagreeable. Home should be a place where people can be honest about how they're feeling.

But there's a difference between being honest about a difficult day and making everyone else responsible for it.

I've crossed that line.

Sometimes without noticing until later.

One thing I've started doing is telling people when I need a little time before discussing something.

"I'm frustrated right now. Can we talk about this in a few minutes?"

That works better than pretending I'm fine while answering every question as though it's an accusation.

Not every time, of course.

Sometimes the conversation needs to happen immediately.

And sometimes I forget to ask for the time.

Jesus Was Patient, But He Wasn't Passive

When I think about the patience of Jesus, I sometimes remember how frequently His disciples misunderstood what He was teaching.

They argued about who was greatest.

They misunderstood His warnings.

They asked questions that revealed how much they still had to learn.

And Jesus continued teaching them.

That doesn't mean He never corrected them.

He certainly did.

There were moments when His words were direct, even uncomfortable. He confronted unbelief, hypocrisy, and behavior that needed to change.

But He didn't abandon His disciples because they were slow to understand.

I find that encouraging because I can be slow to understand too.

There are things I've read in Scripture for years that I'm still learning to apply consistently.

I've known for a long time that I should be patient.

Knowing hasn't prevented every irritated response.

I'm grateful the Lord continues working with me.

There Are Days When I Need To Stop Before I Respond

I've become more aware of the physical signs that I'm getting impatient.

My shoulders tighten.

I start speaking faster.

I become less interested in hearing explanations.

Sometimes I interrupt.

And occasionally I catch myself looking toward whatever I was doing before the conversation began.

None of those things automatically means I'm behaving badly, but they're useful warnings.

If I notice them early enough, I can slow down.

Sometimes I take a moment to pray quietly.

"Father, help me respond properly."

That's usually enough of a prayer for the moment.

I don't need to close my eyes or announce that I'm praying. I'm simply asking God for help before I say something unnecessary.

There are times when I still get it wrong.

I've had to apologize more than once for speaking sharply when a calmer response would've been perfectly possible.

I suspect I'll have to do that again.

I Don't Want Patience To Become Another Performance

There's something else I've had to watch.

I can become so concerned about appearing patient that I stop being honest.

I'll agree to something I don't have time to do.

I'll avoid addressing a recurring problem.

I'll pretend something doesn't bother me because I don't want to seem unkind.

Then resentment builds.

Eventually, I react more strongly than the situation deserves because I've been frustrated about several earlier incidents I never addressed.

That's not particularly helpful.

Patience and honesty need to work together.

If somebody repeatedly fails to follow through on an agreement, I can discuss it respectfully. If I don't have time to help, I can say so. If a conversation needs to happen at a different time, I can explain that without making the other person feel foolish for asking.

I've found that being clear earlier often prevents a much less pleasant conversation later.

I wish I remembered that every time.

What I'm Asking God To Help Me With Now

My daily prayer for patience has changed somewhat.

I still ask God to help me remain calm when things become frustrating. I still pray about difficult relationships and situations that test my self-control.

But I'm also asking Him to help me notice what's happening before irritation takes over.

Sometimes that means recognizing that I'm tired and need rest.

Sometimes it means acknowledging that I've scheduled too much.

Sometimes it means listening to somebody without immediately deciding what they should have done differently.

And sometimes it means accepting that another person isn't going to behave exactly the way I would prefer.

I don't particularly enjoy that last one.

There are situations where I still want people to hurry up, pay attention, follow through, and stop making simple things complicated.

I don't think that desire is going away completely.

But I can work on how I respond.

The Conversation Went Better The Next Time

I eventually had another conversation with the person I mentioned at the beginning.

We were discussing something we'd already covered.

Again.

I could feel the familiar irritation starting.

This time I stopped myself before answering too quickly and asked what part of the arrangement was causing confusion.

The person explained something I hadn't understood.

It turned out there was a practical issue that had been affecting their ability to follow through.

That didn't resolve everything. There were still responsibilities they needed to take seriously, and we had to make some adjustments.

But the conversation was considerably more useful than the previous ones.

I hadn't become a remarkably patient person overnight.

I simply listened a little longer.

Later that week, I found myself irritated with somebody else over something entirely different.

So apparently the Lord still has plenty to work with.

I prayed about it that evening, including the part where I'd been impatient before I even knew the full story.

I'm still learning.

And the next time I ask God for patience, I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised if there's another person involved.

 

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